The Day I Got Kicked Off of AOL
There was a time when I was a regular contributor to the AOL Story and Poetry Boards. The forums normally suggest a "topic" each week, which contributors are expected to use in their postings. For instance, the subjects of "Love" and "Romance" are normally suggested around Valentine's Day.
Well, I was surprised when a Story Board suggested that we post a "personal ad" about ourselves one week. Yes, AOL has a regular "Personals" area where people go in hopes of meeting someone-but it's against AOL's rules to go trolling for romance on the Story and Poetry Boards. But for this week-on this particular board-it would be okay.
Well, I'd seen personal ads over the years and noticed how everyone always described himself or herself in glowing terms. I thought it would be fun if someone ever posted an ad describing himself in less flattering terms. Now was my chance-I couldn't resist.
Here's the ad that I posted:
Your Dream Hunk Is Here, Ladies.
Better hurry...before it's too late.
DWM (...well, not really divorced...but wife keeps threatening...)
Short, dumpy, homely...but real cuddly.
Teeth? Yes, I have some.
Hair? That, too. (Do I have to say where?)
Clean-shaven (usually...thinking of growing a beard...or something...)
Pierced belly-button-but doesn't show...too much of an inny
Tattoos? Yeah...but only a few...they were popular in WWII, y'know.
Smoking/drinking? Just a few cigars, and any kind of beer or wine that's on sale.
Sports? Wrestling and those big-wheel truck things on TV.
Shower once a week, whether I need it or not. (Well, not in the wintertime...brrr...too much trouble...)
Animals? Sure I like them...as long as they're caged up in the zoo...or on a VERY short leash-behind a tall chain link fence...with barbed wire along the top.
Kids? About the same as animals.
Enjoy reading? Sure-got stacks of old Hustlers here.
Thrifty. (Don't waste money on deodorants or dandruff shampoos...that stuff is for sissies.)
Education? Plenty. You learn a lot doing hard time.
Military? Well, they used to have a rule against gays in the service...so...
Anyway, I love to dance...and you can even lead. (My boyfriends always did.)
Well, I got lots of replies to the "ad" and most were funnier than the ad itself. We all had a lot of chuckles out of the whole thing. The post even won an "Honorable Mention" in the judging at the end of the week.
Anyway, the title "Your Dream Hunk Is Here, Ladies..." somehow caught the attention of someone in AOL's TOS (Terms Of Service) department and he took it seriously. And he immediately cancelled my account. When I found I couldn't get online, I called their 800 number and asked what was going on.
Well, my previous calls to AOL Tech Support had always been met by friendly people who tried hard to help. But on this occasion I was transferred to the guy who'd cut my service.
When I asked him why, he said that I should have known it was against TOS to be "soliciting" like this.
I explained that "Writing a Personal Ad" was the topic of the week on this Board, and asked if he had read my whole post.
"No," he replied, "reading the title was enough! 'Your Dream Hunk' says it all!"
I said that reading the whole post would prove it was a joke-and that even if it wasn't, these ads were the Topic of the Week.
Well, this guy was the most arrogant-sounding person I've ever spoken to in my life, and his voice just dripped with venom as he repeated "Your Dream Hunk" several times. The bottom line was they flatly refused to reinstate my account.
But I immediately got back on, using a different name and credit card-and continued having nothing but fun on AOL.
© - Donald Ray Edrington - All Rights Reserved
Since I have few personal photos from my youth, I've used pictures found on the Internet to help illustrate some of the stories told on these pages. In a few instances I've used photos of people who just happen to closely resemble someone I once knew. However, if it's found that I'm using any images in violation of someone's copyright, please let me know and appropriate action will be taken.
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