Girdle Ad

"I Like to Look at Girdle Ads"

When I was about 14, I got interested in writing poems. The following is one of them, along with a sample illustration of my motivation for writing it.

I like to look at girdle ads;
I always stop to read 'em.
It tickles me the way the gals
Who model 'em don't need 'em.

The models appearing in these two ads, by the way, were drawn by George Petty, who was probably best know for his pinup art in Esquire magazine. (Notice Mr. Petty's "trademark" of each subject holding a telephone.)

To give you an idea of the vintage of these ads, notice that bras were still called brassieres. And when was the last time you saw a bra/brassiere advertised for 79¢?

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Don's Vintage Jokes, Stories, Poems & Other Nonsense

Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash...
  If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
  and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
  and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
  but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
  then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions are causing unnecessary risk,
  then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Inexperienced Chili Taster

These are notes from a New Yorker named Frank who was visiting friends in Texas:

Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at a Texas State Fair and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.

Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I said OK.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

°Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK  : Holy smoke! What is this stuff? You could get dried paint off your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put out the flames. Hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy!!

°Chili #2: Mario's Mexican Standoff Chili
JUDGE 1: Smoky, with a hint of carne asada. Slight Jalapeño tang.
JUDGE 2: Exciting BBQ flavor—needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK  : Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

°Chili #3: Fred's Famous Afterburner Chili
JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK  : Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. The 300-pound barmaid pounds me on the back—my backbone is now in the front of my chest.

°Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods—not much of a chili.
FRANK  : I felt something like molten lava scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills—that flirty-eyed blimp is starting to look hot, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. My stomach feels like it's full of rusty barbed wire!

°Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE 2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK  : My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me burst into flames. One contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally kept my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really bugs me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw these stupid rednecks!

°Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK  : My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one wants to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

°Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE 2: Ho hum—tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK  : You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

°Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE 1: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE 2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell on his ass and pulled the chili pot on top of hisself. Not sure he's gonna make it. But whadda y'all expect from a damnyankee?
FRANK  : (Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Toilet Talk?

A woman stopped to use a gas station restroom. She could see that the first of its two stalls was occupied, so went into the second. She'd no sooner sat down when a voice from the first stall said, "Hi. How are you?"

Well, not being accustomed to talking with unseen strangers in a public restroom, she was taken aback—but finally replied, "Uh—fine, thank you."

Then the voice said, "So what are you doing?"

Well, thought the woman, this is a really dumb question, but finally said, "Uh—the same as you, I guess."

Finally, the voice said, "I'm gonna have to hang up and call you back. Some idiot in the next stall is trying to talk to me."


Texas Rancher in Israel

A Texas rancher was visiting Israel as a tourist. His tour bus stopped at an Israeli ranch, where the driver introduced everyone to the owner, who said he'd be glad to answer questions about his cattle-raising operation.

Well, the none-too-shy Texan asked the Israeli just how big his ranch was. The local pointed to a couple of hills off in the distance and said they marked where his property ended.

"Well," said the Texan, with a condescending smile, "let me tell you about my li'l ol' ranch. If I get in my pickup and leave early in the morning from one end of my spread, the sun will be setting by the time I get to the other end."

"Hoo—I know what you mean," said the Israeli sympathetically. "I once had a truck just like that."


He Just Wanted a Look

A woman answered her doorbell one morning to see her husband's best friend standing there. When he asked if her husband was in, she replied that he was upstairs taking a shower and getting ready to go to work.

The man just stood for a few moments, looking a little uneasy. Finally, he grinned rather sheepishly and said, "You know, there's something I've been wanting to ask you."

"Oh—what's that?" asked the housewife.

"Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but—well, you are so beautiful—I've often wondered what you look like naked."

The woman just blushed.

"Anyway," the guy continued, "I was wondering if you'd let me see you naked if I gave you $100."

The young woman just gasped and stepped back, not knowing what to say.

Finally, she said, "A hundred dollars? Well, we could certainly use the money. And I guess there would be no harm in your just looking."

"Okay," she continued, "come on in. We'll go into the living room."

"Gee, swell!" replied the fellow with a broad smile, as he followed his friend's wife inside.

Well, not surprisingly, the woman was a little nervous—but she managed to get undressed—and even turned around a couple of times so the fellow could have a good look."

Finally, he just said, "Wow! Thank you!" And he handed her two fifty dollar bills.

As he left, the husband called from upstairs, "Honey—did Bob come by?"

"Yes, but he just left," she said, as she scrambled to get into her clothes.

"Okay," said the husband, "I'll see him later."

"By the way," he added, "did he happen to bring the $100 he owes me?"



Wine, Women & Wild, Wicked Depravity...

A 40-year-old business executive went to his doctor, complaining of a sore throat, a stiff neck and a tightening in the chest. The physician gave him a thorough check-up and said he appeared to be in perfect health. So he referred him to another doctor who was a renowned specialist in problems of the neck, throat and chest.

Well, even the specialist could find no reason for the man to have a chronic sore throat, stiff neck and tightening in the chest, so he sent him to a physician in Europe who was reputed to be world's top specialist in these kinds of maladies.

This specialist put the patient through the most comprehensive and thorough medical examinations known to man, and finally said he'd found the reason for the sore throat, stiff neck and tightening in the chest. The sad news, however, was that the businessman had a very rare disease and had only 30 days left to live.

Naturally, the man was devastated to hear this diagnosis, but decided that if he only had 30 days left to live he was going to make the most of it. He sold his Beverly Hills home and his BMW, quit his job as CEO of an international corporation and left on a round-the-world trip that was 30 days of nothing but wine, women and wild, wicked depravity.

On the 29th day he had just enough money left to arrange a prestigious funeral for himself, so he went to a Rodeo Drive tailor to have a suit made. The tailor called off the numbers to an assistant as he meticulously measured the man from top to bottom. Finally, he said, "Collar—16 inches."

This prompted the man to say, "Excuse me, but my collar size is 14."

"Excuse me," replied the tailor, "but your collar size is 16."

"Hey, I ought to know my own collar size," the man indignantly replied. "I've been wearing a 14" collar to the office every day for the past 20 years!"

"Fine," said the tailor. "If you want a 14" collar then you shall have a 14" collar. However, if you get a sore throat, a stiff neck and a tightening in the chest—don't blame me!"


What's the Difference...?

Do you know the difference between "enough" and "sufficient"?

Well, according to one little boy, "When my mom cuts me a slice of cake, I get sufficient. But when I cut my own, I get enough."

Okay—so what's the difference between "sight" and "vision"?

Well, according to what one guy said to his buddy, "My girlfriend is a vision! But your girlfriend…"


How to Prepare for Your First Mammogram

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO: Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends over night. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED!......And just a thought for all the women out there: mental illness, menstrual cramps, mental break down, menopause. Ever notice how so many women's problems start with men?....and when we have real trouble, it's hysterectomy!!!

One final thought:   Men have feelings, too!    But who really cares?


Girl in the Regular "Men's" Army?

A popular story during WWII tells of a guy who runs across a girl he hadn't seen since high school. When he asked where she'd been, she replied that she'd just gotten out of the army.

"Oh, I see," said the fellow, "you were in the WAACs." (Women's Auxiliary Army Corps)

"No," she replied. "Just the regular army."

"You mean you were in the regular men's army?"
"Yep," she says with a smile.

"But how's that possible? You'd have to eat with those guys—you'd have to sleep in the same barracks with them—you'd even have to be taking showers with them. Somebody's bound to notice!"

"Sure," she replied, "but who's gonna tell?"


Sight-seeing Morons

A couple of morons were walking down the street when they came to a high stone wall that bore a sign reading "Nudist Park."

One moron says to the other, "If you got up on my shoulders you could see over the wall." The other agrees and climbs up on his friend's shoulders and takes a look.

The moron down below asks if he sees any nudists.

"Yes, I do," he replies.

"So are they men or women?" asks the guy on the ground.

"I can't tell," replies his friend. "They don't have any clothes on."

Carpenter Morons

Two moron carpenters were working on the interior of a house when one placed the head of a nail against a board and was about to pound on the point. However, he could see that this wasn't right, so he turned to his friend and said, "Would you look at this? They made this nail backwards."

"You are such an idiot," replied his friend. "Anyone can see that that nail goes in the opposite wall!"


HOTCAKES

When a psychiatrist asked his new patient what her main problem seemed to be, she said, "Hotcakes, doctor. I simply adore hotcakes."

"Well," replied the psychiatrist, "I don't see that as a big problem. I like hotcakes, too."

"You do?" the woman shrieked in delight. "Then you must come to my house. I have closets full of them!"


Golf-Nut Husband

Each Saturday and Sunday he'd head out to the course
To play his 18 holes of golf—his wife left with remorse.

She hated it and waited there for his return at noon.
His getting home from 18 holes could never come to soon.

But once he didn't come on time—his wife was getting mad.
An hour passed—another yet—now this was getting bad.

Her anger turned to worry—her worry turned to fear.
It must be something awful if from him she didn't hear.

An hour more, than in he came—he had this look of guilt.
The look he got from her then could an oak tree surely wilt.

"Now stop right there, I'll tell the truth—you know I never lie.
We played our 18 holes of golf, and then I got the eye"

From this seductive woman who was sitting at the bar.
She followed me and then she sat beside me in my car.

Well, we just talked—all innocent—she said she liked my style.
I tried to make her go away, but it took quite a while."

"You lying bastard—don't you think
I know your sneaky tricks?
You said you played just 18 holes—
you did all 36!"



The Perfect Woman

A fellow asked his bachelor friend, "How come you never married?"

"That's easy," replied his pal. "I decided long ago that I'd never get married until I met my 'perfect woman.'"

"Perfect woman?" said the married guy.

"Yep. She'd have to be between 5'3" and 5'5" and weigh between 110 and 115 pounds. Furthermore, my perfect woman would have to be a blue-eyed blonde with a voluptuous figure and a radiant smile."

"So do you really expect to find a woman that meets all your 'perfect' specifications?"

"I already did. Just last week. Met her at the laundromat. She's single and she is perfect!"

"Wow! So what's next? You gonna marry her?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"She's looking for the perfect man."


The Twilight Zone Revisited (TRUE STORY)

My brother-in-law had always been an outspoken, confrontational type who had an opinion on everything. However, in his late-70s senility had begun to quietly settle in, and he had mellowed considerbly.

Not too long ago we had gathered at the home of his son's family when Jerry and I found ourselves alone in the den, where the TV had been left on with the sound off. A local station was doing a Twilight Zone Marathon and Rod Serling was introducing yet another episode. The 1960ish reruns were making me smile with a feeling of warm nostalgia.

Nonetheless, I listened patiently as Jerry explained what was wrong with the world and how it should be fixed. As he talked, however, I couldn't help but notice him glance at the TV periodically, with a rather annoyed look.

Finally, he leaned in real close and said in a hushed voice, "You know, Don—you would think that, as hard as he works—and as long as they've been married—they could afford a color TV by now."


Irish Brothers Four

A fellow goes into a saloon and tells the bartender he'd like four shots of his best Irish whisky, and he'd like them served in four separate glasses. As he sits down at a table, the bartender follows him with a bottle and four shot glasses.

Well, the barkeep can't contain his curiosity and asks the fellow why he's ordered four separate shots.

"Oh," replies the customer, "well, three are for me brothers back on the old sod. You see, we used to go to this pub once a week and have a shot together. But since they can't join me here, this helps make it seem like we're all together again. In fact, they're in a pub right now, doin' the same."

Well, the fellow takes his time downing the four shots, thanks the bartender and leaves.

From then on, he comes in faithfully every week and orders the four shots of Irish whisky. But one night he comes in and only orders three.

"Oh," says the bartender, "I'm so sorry. Something happened to one of your brothers?"

"No, no," replies the fellow with a big smile. "Me brothers are all hale and hearty, thank you. It's just me, you see—I've decided to give up drinking."


The New Girl in the Bakery

The new girl in the bakery
was as pretty as could be,
But not the brightest on the block,
as you'll be quick to see.

She had a lovely figure
and a very mini skirt.
She was the ideal kind of gal
with whom the boys would flirt.

They kept their special raisin bread
up on their highest shelf.
She had to use a ladder -
couldn't reach it by herself.

And she just couldn't understand -
she really couldn't see
How come this bread had gone
way up in popularity.

So there she was—it must have been
the hundreth time that day.
The boys were down there smiling -
when Grandpa came their way.

She spotted him and said, "I guess
that yours is raisin too?"
He smiled, "Not yet, but give it time -
and I'll get back to you."

(Another old joke I decided to put to rhyme.)


You'll Find Another Love

She lay there on her deathbed now,
her husband at her side.
She smiled and tried to comfort him -
their tears they could not hide.
"I'm going now, but don't feel sad -
this grief you'll soon forget,

You'll find yourself another love,
and all my things she'll get."
"Yes, she should have my furs and gowns
and even all my shoes."

"Now hush, my dear don't talk that way -
those things she couldn't use."
"Of course she could—you'll find someone -
for you it's not too late."

"It wouldn't work—your size is 12
And she's a perfect 8."

(This is actually an old Myron Cohen joke. I just put it to rhyme.)


Beverly Hills 3rd Grader

A third grade class in a Beverly Hills school was given the assignment of writing a story about a poor family. One little girl submitted the following:

Once upon a time there was a poor family.

The father was poor, the mother was poor, and the children were poor.

The butler was poor, the maid was poor, and the cook was poor.

The gardener and the chauffer were also poor.

Everybody was poor.


Guy With a Duck

A guy walks into a fashionable cocktail lounge carrying a duck under his arm. He takes a stool next to one occupied by an attractive blonde and gives her a big smile.

Without even looking his way, she says, "Don't you know you can't come into a place like this with a pig?"

"This isn't a pig," he protests, "it's a duck!"

Still without looking his way, she replies, "I was talking to the duck."


Ten Dollahs Is Ten Dollahs!

Clem and Abigale made it a point to go to the county fair every year, where, among other attractions, a fellow with a three-seat biplane would take folks for a ride for ten dollars a piece. Every year Clem would say, "I surely would like to go for a ride in that areoplane, Abigale."

And each time Abigale would say they really couldn't afford it and remind Clem that "Ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"

Year after year, Clem would say he really wanted to go for a ride in the biplane, and every year Abigale would end the discussion by saying, "But Clem—ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"

Well, the pilot had overheard this conversation numerous times, so he approached them one day and said, "Look, folks—I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both on a ride for free—but on one condition. You musn't say a word during the whole flight. Otherwise it will cost ten dollars for the two of you."

Well, this sounded agreeable to Abigale—so, much to Clem's delight, she said okay.

They all got in the plane and the pilot reminded them, "This will only be for free if neither of you says a word while we're in the air."

The couple nodded in agreement and the plane took off. Well, the pilot immediately went into every stunt he knew, in an attempt to get them to say something. He did stalls, barrel-rolls and nosedives, but never heard a single word of complaint from the couple behind him.

As the plane taxied to a stop back at the fairgrounds, the pilot looked over his shoulder at Clem and said, "Well, I have to hand it to you folks. I thought surely my stunt-flying would get you to say something—but I never heard a word out of either one of you."

"Well," replied Clem, "I was gonna say something when Abigale fell out—but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"


Father's Day??

A boy was walking through the park one day when he saw an elderly gentleman sitting on a bench and crying.

"Why are you crying?" asked the boy.

"Because my father hit me," replied the man.

"Really?" said the boy. "May I ask how old you are?"

"I'm 85," said the man as he wiped away a tear.

"My goodness," said the boy. "So how old is your father?"

"He's 105," replied the oldster.

"Wow!" exclaimed the boy. "So why did he hit you?"

"Because I stuck my tongue out at my grandfather," whimpered the man.


My House Is On Fire!

A little old lady called the local fire department and said, "My house is on fire! Come quick!"

"Yes, ma'am!" replied the dispatcher. "How do we get there?"

"Oh, my!" she replied. "Don't you still have those big red trucks?"


When Does Life Begin?

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister and a rabbi were talking about "when life begins." The priest said, "It begins at the moment of conception."

The minister said, "Well, I'm not so sure—there's evidence to support the idea that life doesn't really begin until a while later."

Then they turned to the other for his opinion. "Well," replied the rabbi, I've always been of the firm belief that life doesn't begin until the dog dies and the kids leave home."

Lucky Break at the Super Bowl

A fellow was surprised and thrilled when his boss gave him a ticket to the Super Bowl. However, he was disappointed to find that his seat was so far up in the bleachers that only the guy in the Goodyear blimp had a worse view.

But shortly after the game started he noticed a vacant seat in the third row right at the 50-yard line. So he decided to take a chance and ask if it was taken.

The fellow in the next seat replied, "No, it's not."

"So—would it be okay if I sit here?" asked the hopeful fan.

"Sure. Go ahead," replied the other.

"Wow—this is great! I don't know how to thank you!"

"It's okay—you're welcome. Think nothing of it."

Now the lucky guy was overcome with curiosity to know why this seat had been vacant.

When he asked, the other fellow replied, "Well, that would have been my wife's seat. But she passed away last week. This is the first time in 30 years that we won't be seeing the Super Bowl game together."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. But I'm surprised no one else asked to come with you—like a friend or relative. I mean—it's such a great seat!"

"Well," replied the widower, "I made the offer—but nobody wanted to come. They're all at the funeral."


What's a Mother For?

"Oh, mother, mother," cried the girl,
"I don't know what to do.
He called and said to be prepared -
his boss is coming too."
"And not just that—his boss' wife -
a dinner they expect.
And I've forgotten all you taught—
my wits I can't collect."
"Now calm down, dear -
your mother's here.
You know I'll make it right.
Your husband's boss and wife will have
a royal feast tonight."
"I'll call Pierre, that caterer
who has a crush on me.
And then I'll call Guiseppe
at my favorite bakery."
"I'll take the subway into town.
They'll have it packed to go.
I'll pick up decorations.
Your guests will never know."
"They'll think you did it all yourself.
I'll have it there by four.
And you can make it seem as though
you've done it all before."
"Oh, by the way—what kind of wine
would Wally's boss enjoy?"
"Did you say 'Wally?' Mother, dear -
my husband's name is Roy."
"Excuse me, miss. What's going on?
Is this my daughter Jan?"
The girl began to cry again.
"You know my name is Fran."
"I'm sorry, but you must have dialed
your number wrong, I fear."
"Oh, my—I'm so embarrassed -
Does this mean
you won't be here??"

(Just an old joke I decided to put to rhyme.)


Rembrandt and Stradivarius
(The Real Thing)

A fellow was rummaging through the attic of a house he had inherited from a recently deceased grandparent when he came across a painting that looked like it had been done by one of the 18th Century great masters. He also discovered a dusty violin that looked as though it might have been handmade.

Not being an authority on paintings nor on musical instruments of any kind, he decided to take the items to a professional appraiser.

After studying the finds for a little while, the appraiser put down his magnifying glass and said, "What you have here, young man, is a genuine Rembrandt and an authentic Stradivarius."

"Wow!" was all the fellow could say as his eyes widened and his heart began to pound.

"Unfortuneatly," added the appraiser, "Stradivarius was a lousy painter, and Rembrandt couldn't build a decent violin to save his life."


The Farmer's Daughter & The Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman's car breaks down on a country road one cold winter's night. However, he sees lights in a farm house and decides to ask if he could spend the night. (This was in the ancient days before cell phones.)

After hearing his story, the farmer says, "Sure, young fellow—you're welcome to spend the night. We'll get your car running in the morning. However, the only spare bed we have is in my daughter's room."

"I'm so tired I could sleep on the kitchen floor," replies the salesman.

"No need for that," says the farmer, "when we have a comfortable bed not being used. Here's the room. The bed on the left is yours."

"Thank you, thank you!" says the salesman as he strips to his underwear and crawls between the sheets. He's asleep the instant his head hits the pillow.

But he's soon awakened by a soft, feminine voice saying, "Mister—hello—mister—yoo hoo."

He turns to see a young woman in the other bed. She's smiling and says, "Sorry to bother you—but I'm cold."

"Excuse me?" says the weary salesman.

"There's a draft in here and I'm very, very cold."

"Sorry about that," says our hero as he rolls over and goes back to sleep.

But the girl persists. "Mister—I really am very cold!"

Now the salesman's eyes open a little wider and he sees a very attractive young woman wearing a flimsy nightie that leaves little to the imagination.

She gives him a big smile and says, "What should I do?"

"Well," says the guest, "let's see. You say you're cold? And you want to get warm?"

"Yes, yes," came the enthusiastic reply. "I want to get warm and I don't know what to do."

"In that case," the salesman says with a smile, "I have a suggestion."

"Oh, goody!" she says. "What is it?"

"Get up and close the damn window!"


A Little Dangerfield

1. I was so poor growing up—if I wasn't a boy—I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid—when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby—my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly—my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly—my mother had morning sickness—AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly—I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror—I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said—"I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times—three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy—for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

22. I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, an olive was in it.


Who's In The Shower?

A fellow was invited by a friend to play a round of golf at the latter's country club. However, he somehow wandered into the women's locker room and shower area.

He was under a shower when he heard the locker room door open, followed by the sound of female voices. He waited a bit, hoping the voices would disappear, followed by the sound of a closing door. But it became obvious the women were there to take showers and not likely to leave any time soon.

All he had to cover his modesty was a towel which would fit around his waist. However, he decided to use the towel to cover his face, since he was more concerned about being embarrassed than he was about having his masculinity hidden.

So, with just enough space for his eyes to see between the folds, he dashed out of the shower, scooped his clothes off a bench and streaked to the door.

The four women stood and watched in amused silence.

Finally one matron said, "Well, it wasn't my husband."

Her best friend added, "Nope—not mine either."

The third middle-aged lady insisted it wasn't her husband either.

The fourth woman, a buxom young blonde (naturally) said, "Why he's not even a member of the club!"


A Pound of Kiddlies

A man walks into a meat market and says to the butcher, "I'd like a pound of kiddlies."

"Excuse me?" asked the meat cutter. "You'd like what?"

"A pound of kiddlies."

The butcher scratched his head and said, "By any chance, do you mean 'kidneys?'"

"Well," snorted the customer, "diddle I say kiddlies?"


What's a Vampire?

"Daddy," asked the little boy, "what's a vampire?

The father just snarled, "Shut up and eat your breakfast before it clots!"


Divorcing Octogenarians

A couple in their 80s stood before a judge, seeking a divorce. When the judge asked how long they'd been married they replied, "Sixty years."

The amazed judge asked what their grounds for a divorce were.

"Well," replied the wife, "he smokes smelly cigars and leaves ashes everywhere, along with his dirty socks and underwear. He's always making rude noises, rarely bathes, and is just plain disgusting to be around!"

"Listen to her," replied the husband, "all she does is talk on the phone and watch TV. She hasn't cooked a decent meal in years and never does any housework. Furthermore, she always forgets my beer and pickled pigs feet when she goes to the store. She's the worst wife a guy could have!"

"But sixty years!" said the judge. "Why have you waited so long to ask for a divorce?"

The aged couple looked at each other, and then said, "Well, your honor, we've always agreed that—no matter what happened—we'd stay together
until all the children
were dead."


Adam and Paranoid Eve

Did you know that Eve suspected Adam of cheating on her?

True—but when confronted, Adam replied, "Somebody else? What are you talking about?"

He then went on to indignantly point out, "There can't be anyone else! You and I are the only ones here!"

Nonetheless, Adam was awakened one night to find Eve jabbing his torso with her finger.

"What are you doing?!" he demanded.

"Counting your ribs!" she snapped.


Write It Down? Why?

"Now stop right there—just write it down,
before you do the shopping."

"A loaf of bread? A quart of milk?
To write this I'm not stopping!"

"Now please don't make a big old fuss -
you know the way you are, dear."

"A loaf of bread? A quart of milk?
Where did I leave the car, dear?"

"It's in the driveway, silly man.
You know you can't remember."

"You haven't got the shopping right
since sometime last September."

"A loaf of bread? A quart of milk?
You know I'm not a dummy."

"Well, hurry up and get it then—
I'm empty in the tummy."

He wasn't gone for very long—
a quarter of an hour.

He gloated as he then displayed
his memory's full-blown power.

She reached inside the bag, and said,
"You big old dumb gorilla!"

"You know I told you Rocky Road—
and you bring home Vanilla!"

(Another old joke I decided to put to rhyme.)


H A l R C U T

Haircut—Women's version:

Woman: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Friend: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy?

Woman: Oh God, no! It's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this.

Friend: Are you serious? Your face is adorable. You could easily get one of those layer cuts— it would look so cute on you! I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman: Oh—that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Friend: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms—see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much better.........

Haircut—Men's version:

Man: Haircut?

Friend: Yeah.


Abandoned Pig

A man had just parked his car downtown when a pig fell out of a passing pickup. The fellow managed to guide the pig to safety on the sidewalk and was standing there trying to figure out what to do next, when a policeman walked up.

"What's with the pig?" asked the cop.

The man explained what happened and said that now he didn't know what to do with the pig.

"Well," said the cop, "I think you ought to take it to the zoo."

"Okay," the guy replied, and herded the pig into the back seat of his car.

A few days later, the cop spotted the guy in his car, waiting for a signal to change. Sitting alongside of him was the pig, wearing a baseball cap.

The policeman yelled, "Hey—I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!"

The pig gave the cop a polite grunt while the driver said, "Well, I did take him to the zoo. We had such a good time that today I'm taking him to the ball game."


She Said I Could Do Anything I Wanted...

A guy asked his friend how his date had gone the night before.

"Fantastic!" came the enthusiastic reply, followed by, "You know how I've been telling you that Nancy is such a nice girl and that she's never let me get to first base with her—well, you won't believe what happened last night!"

"Tell me!" said his buddy.

"Well, you know what great weather we've been having—so I took her up to Mulholland Drive and found some romantic music on the radio. Guess what she said!"

"I have no idea."

"Well, she put her head on my shoulder and said, 'You know—it's such a beautiful evening, with a full moon and a warm breeze…'"

"Yes, yes—go on!"

"Okay—she said that if I'd just put the top down on the car I could do anyting I wanted! Would you believe I got the top down in 19 minutes flat?"

"Thirteen minutes? I can get my top down in less than three."

"Yeah—well—of course," replied his pal, "but you've got a convertible!"


Irritation, Aggravation & Frustration

A couple of guys in a bar late one night were discussing the meanings of the words "irritation," "aggravation," and "frustration."

Finally, one guy says, "Here—I'll show you what each one means."

He goes to the bar's pay phone and chooses a number at random from the directory. He dials the number, and after a few rings a sleepy voice says, "Hello."

"Is Wally there?" asks our guy.

"There's nobody here named Wally!" came the indignant reply, followed by the sound of the receiver being slammed into its cradle.

"Now that's 'irritation,'" explains our guy.

An hour later he dials the same number and again asks, "Is Wally there?"

"Hey—aren't you the same jerk that called before? I told you there's nobody here named Wally!"

"Now that's aggravation," the guy says.

An hour later he says to his friend, "Now watch this—this is frustration."

When the same tired voice answers the phone, our guy says, "Hi—this is Wally. Have there been any calls for me?"


Shoe Repair

Back in 1942 a young man took a pair of loafers to a local shoe repair shop to have new soles and heels put on them. When he got home he found a draft notice waiting for him. He then went on to serve in the army for the next three years.

Back in his old neighborhood after the war, he got to wondering about the shoes he'd left for repair. So he went to see if the shop was still there.

It was.

He went inside and apologetically told the cobbler that he'd left some cordovan loafers for repair three years earlier and wondered if they might still be there.

"Look," the young man said, "I still have the ticket."

"Three years?" replied the shoemaker. "Hoo—let me see that ticket. Hmmm—we stopped using these two years ago. But let me look in the back. You never know."

The cobbler reappeared a few minutes later with a big smile.

"Hey, Mr. Cordovan Loafers—you're in luck. I found the shoes."

"Wonderful," replied the surprised and elated young man. But he noticed that the proprietor stood there empty-handed.

"So, uh, where are the shoes?" he asked.

With a smile even broader than before, the cobbler replied, "They'll be ready on Friday!"

(One of my favorite Myron Cohen stories)


Please check back soon—I plan to update this page with more silliness whenever I can find time.

Thank you!

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