"I Like to Look at Girdle Ads"
When I was about 14, I got interested in writing poems. The following is one of them, along with a sample illustration of my motivation for writing it.
I like to look at girdle ads;
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash...
JUDGE 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK : Holy smoke! What is this stuff? You could get dried paint off your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put out the flames. Hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy!!
JUDGE 1: Smoky, with a hint of carne asada. Slight Jalapeño tang.
JUDGE 2: Exciting BBQ flavor—needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK : Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK : Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. The 300-pound barmaid pounds me on the back—my backbone is now in the front of my chest.
JUDGE 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods—not much of a chili.
FRANK : I felt something like molten lava scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills—that flirty-eyed blimp is starting to look hot, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. My stomach feels like it's full of rusty barbed wire!
JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE 2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK : My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me burst into flames. One contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally kept my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really bugs me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw these stupid rednecks!
JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK : My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one wants to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
JUDGE 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE 2: Ho hum—tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK : You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
JUDGE 1: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE 2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell on his ass and pulled the chili pot on top of hisself. Not sure he's gonna make it. But whadda y'all expect from a damnyankee?
FRANK : (Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
A woman stopped to use a gas station restroom. She could see that the first of its two stalls was occupied, so went into the second. She'd no sooner sat down when a voice from the first stall said, "Hi. How are you?"
Well, not being accustomed to talking with unseen strangers in a public restroom, she was taken aback—but finally replied, "Uh—fine, thank you."
Then the voice said, "So what are you doing?"
Well, thought the woman, this is a really dumb question, but finally said, "Uh—the same as you, I guess."
Finally, the voice said, "I'm gonna have to hang up and call you back. Some idiot in the next stall is trying to talk to me."
Lucky Break at the Super Bowl
A fellow was surprised and thrilled when his boss gave him a ticket to the Super Bowl. However, he was disappointed to find that his seat was so far up in the bleachers that only the guy in the Goodyear blimp had a worse view.
But shortly after the game started he noticed a vacant seat in the third row right at the 50-yard line. So he decided to take a chance and ask if it was taken.
The fellow in the next seat replied, "No, it's not."
"So—would it be okay if I sit here?" asked the hopeful fan.
"Sure. Go ahead," replied the other.
"Wow—this is great! I don't know how to thank you!"
"It's okay—you're welcome. Think nothing of it."
Now the lucky guy was overcome with curiosity to know why this seat had been vacant.
When he asked, the other fellow replied, "Well, that would have been my wife's seat. But she passed away last week. This is the first time in 30 years that we won't be seeing the Super Bowl game together."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. But I'm surprised no one else asked to come with you—like a friend or relative. I mean—it's such a great seat!"
"Well," replied the widower, "I made the offer—but nobody wanted to come. They're all at the funeral."
What's a Mother For?
A fellow was rummaging through the attic of a house he had inherited from a recently deceased grandparent when he came across a painting that looked like it had been done by one of the 18th Century great masters. He also discovered a dusty violin that looked as though it might have been handmade.
Not being an authority on paintings nor on musical instruments of any kind, he decided to take the items to a professional appraiser.
After studying the finds for a little while, the appraiser put down his magnifying glass and said, "What you have here, young man, is a genuine Rembrandt and an authentic Stradivarius."
"Wow!" was all the fellow could say as his eyes widened and his heart began to pound.
"Unfortuneatly," added the appraiser, "Stradivarius was a lousy painter, and Rembrandt couldn't build a decent
violin to save his life."
A traveling salesman's car breaks down on a country road one cold winter's night. However, he sees lights in a farm house and decides to ask if he could spend the night. (This was in the ancient days before cell phones.)
After hearing his story, the farmer says, "Sure, young fellow—you're welcome to spend the night. We'll get your car running in the morning. However, the only spare bed we have is in my daughter's room."
"I'm so tired I could sleep on the kitchen floor," replies the salesman.
"No need for that," says the farmer, "when we have a comfortable bed not being used. Here's the room. The bed on the left is yours."
"Thank you, thank you!" says the salesman as he strips to his underwear and crawls between the sheets. He's asleep the instant his head hits the pillow.
But he's soon awakened by a soft, feminine voice saying, "Mister—hello—mister—yoo hoo."
He turns to see a young woman in the other bed. She's smiling and says, "Sorry to bother you—but I'm cold."
"Excuse me?" says the weary salesman.
"There's a draft in here and I'm very, very cold."
"Sorry about that," says our hero as he rolls over and goes back to sleep.
But the girl persists. "Mister—I really am very cold!"
Now the salesman's eyes open a little wider and he sees a very attractive young woman wearing a flimsy nightie that leaves little to the imagination.
She gives him a big smile and says, "What should I do?"
"Well," says the guest, "let's see. You say you're cold? And you want to get warm?"
"Yes, yes," came the enthusiastic reply. "I want to get warm and I don't know what to do."
"In that case," the salesman says with a smile, "I have a suggestion."
"Oh, goody!" she says. "What is it?"
"Get up and close the damn window!"
1. I was so poor growing up—if I wasn't a boy—I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid—when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby—my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly—my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly—my mother had morning sickness—AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly—I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror—I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said—"I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times—three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy—for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
22. I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, an olive was in it.
A fellow was invited by a friend to play a round of golf at the latter's country club. However, he somehow wandered into the women's locker room and shower area.
He was under a shower when he heard the locker room door open, followed by the sound of female voices. He waited a bit, hoping the voices would disappear, followed by the sound of a closing door. But it became obvious the women were there to take showers and not likely to leave any time soon.
All he had to cover his modesty was a towel which would fit around his waist. However, he decided to use the towel to cover his face, since he was more concerned about being embarrassed than he was about having his masculinity hidden.
So, with just enough space for his eyes to see between the folds, he dashed out of the shower, scooped his clothes off a bench and streaked to the door.
The four women stood and watched in amused silence.
Finally one matron said, "Well, it wasn't my husband."
Her best friend added, "Nope—not mine either."
The third middle-aged lady insisted it wasn't her husband either.
The fourth woman, a buxom young blonde (naturally) said, "Why he's not even a member of the club!"
A man walks into a meat market and says to the butcher, "I'd like a pound of kiddlies."
"Excuse me?" asked the meat cutter. "You'd like what?"
"A pound of kiddlies."
The butcher scratched his head and said, "By any chance, do you mean 'kidneys?'"
"Well," snorted the customer, "diddle I say kiddlies?"
"Daddy," asked the little boy, "what's a vampire?
The father just snarled, "Shut up and eat your breakfast before it clots!"
A couple in their 80s stood before a judge, seeking a divorce. When the judge asked how long they'd been married they replied, "Sixty years."
The amazed judge asked what their grounds for a divorce were.
"Well," replied the wife, "he smokes smelly cigars and leaves ashes everywhere, along with his dirty socks and underwear. He's always making rude noises, rarely bathes, and is just plain disgusting to be around!"
"Listen to her," replied the husband, "all she does is talk on the phone and watch TV. She hasn't cooked a decent meal in years and never does any housework. Furthermore, she always forgets my beer and pickled pigs feet when she goes to the store. She's the worst wife a guy could have!"
"But sixty years!" said the judge. "Why have you waited so long to ask for a divorce?"
The aged couple looked at each other, and then said, "Well, your honor, we've always agreed that—no matter what happened—we'd stay together
until all the children
Did you know that Eve suspected Adam of cheating on her?
True—but when confronted, Adam replied, "Somebody else? What are you talking about?"
He then went on to indignantly point out, "There can't be anyone else! You and I are the only ones here!"
Nonetheless, Adam was awakened one night to find Eve jabbing his torso with her finger.
"What are you doing?!" he demanded.
"Counting your ribs!" she snapped.
Woman: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Friend: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy?
Woman: Oh God, no! It's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this.
Friend: Are you serious? Your face is adorable. You could easily get one of those layer cuts— it would look so cute on you! I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman: Oh—that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Friend: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.
Everything drapes so well on you.
I mean, look at my arms—see how short they are?
If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much better.........
A man had just parked his car downtown when a pig fell out of a passing pickup. The fellow managed to guide the pig to safety on the sidewalk and was standing there trying to figure out what to do next, when a policeman walked up.
"What's with the pig?" asked the cop.
The man explained what happened and said that now he didn't know what to do with the pig.
"Well," said the cop, "I think you ought to take it to the zoo."
"Okay," the guy replied, and herded the pig into the back seat of his car.
A few days later, the cop spotted the guy in his car, waiting for a signal to change. Sitting alongside of him was the pig, wearing a baseball cap.
The policeman yelled, "Hey—I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!"
The pig gave the cop a polite grunt while the driver said, "Well, I did take him to the zoo. We had such a good time that today I'm taking him to the ball game."
A guy asked his friend how his date had gone the night before.
"Fantastic!" came the enthusiastic reply, followed by, "You know how I've been telling you that Nancy is such a nice girl and that she's never let me get to first base with her—well, you won't believe what happened last night!"
"Tell me!" said his buddy.
"Well, you know what great weather we've been having—so I took her up to Mulholland Drive and found some romantic music on the radio. Guess what she said!"
"I have no idea."
"Well, she put her head on my shoulder and said, 'You know—it's such a beautiful evening, with a full moon and a warm breeze…'"
"Yes, yes—go on!"
"Okay—she said that if I'd just put the top down on the car I could do anyting I wanted! Would you believe I got the top down in 19 minutes flat?"
"Thirteen minutes? I can get my top down in less than three."
"Yeah—well—of course," replied his pal, "but you've got a convertible!"
A couple of guys in a bar late one night were discussing the meanings of the words "irritation," "aggravation," and "frustration."
Finally, one guy says, "Here—I'll show you what each one means."
He goes to the bar's pay phone and chooses a number at random from the directory. He dials the number, and after a few rings a sleepy voice says, "Hello."
"Is Wally there?" asks our guy.
"There's nobody here named Wally!" came the indignant reply, followed by the sound of the receiver being slammed into its cradle.
"Now that's 'irritation,'" explains our guy.
An hour later he dials the same number and again asks, "Is Wally there?"
"Hey—aren't you the same jerk that called before? I told you there's nobody here named Wally!"
"Now that's aggravation," the guy says.
An hour later he says to his friend, "Now watch this—this is frustration."
When the same tired voice answers the phone, our guy says, "Hi—this is Wally. Have there been any calls for me?"
Back in 1942 a young man took a pair of loafers to a local shoe repair shop to have new soles and heels put on them. When he got home he found a draft notice waiting for him. He then went on to serve in the army for the next three years.
Back in his old neighborhood after the war, he got to wondering about the shoes he'd left for repair. So he went to see if the shop was still there.
He went inside and apologetically told the cobbler that he'd left some cordovan loafers for repair three years earlier and wondered if they might still be there.
"Look," the young man said, "I still have the ticket."
"Three years?" replied the shoemaker. "Hoo—let me see that ticket. Hmmm—we stopped using these two years ago. But let me look in the back. You never know."
The cobbler reappeared a few minutes later with a big smile.
"Hey, Mr. Cordovan Loafers—you're in luck. I found the shoes."
"Wonderful," replied the surprised and elated young man. But he noticed that the proprietor stood there empty-handed.
"So, uh, where are the shoes?" he asked.
With a smile even broader than before, the cobbler replied, "They'll be ready on Friday!"
(One of my favorite Myron Cohen stories)
Please check back soon—I plan to update this page with more silliness whenever I can find time.