Midnight on the Ocean
Additional Verses by Mr PC Chat
A streetcar finally came along
And stopped as it sped by.
It tried to make a U-turn
But landed in the sky.
I had to see a doctor
Since I was feeling fine.
He gave me a prescription
For beer and turpentine.
I was looking for a dumpster
So I could mail a letter.
But had to clean my glasses
To hear the silence better.
I had to wash my puppy
Who was absolutely clean.
I took him to a car wash
And watched them paint him green.
They handed me a ladder
So I could slide on down
To see the queen of Sheba
Who kneeled sitting on her crown.
I dug a hole so big and deep
It went clear to the sky.
I filled it up with lobsters
So I could watch them fly.
They flew into an oven
And nearly froze to death.
They were eaten by a bumble bee
Who now has fishy breath.
I was dancing on the river
Till my skates ran out of gas.
So I took up hitting hardballs
With a bat made out of glass.
I went out to the airport
To watch the ships sail out
But saw a flying Amtrack train
And watched the crew bail out.
I was trying on some underwear
Trimmed with lace and old barbed wire
When my shoes and socks fell off my ears
'Cause my pants had caught on fire.
I'm beautiful and handsome, too
Except for how I look.
I stare at backs of mirrors
And listen to each book.
The smartest person that I know
Is me, without a doubt.
I speak in silent whispers
And do it with a shout.
I always watch the radio
To see my favorite show.
I never fail to miss it -
When it's on I never know.
My friends are all unfriendly
But they love to hear me talk
Until I open up my mouth -
Then they begin to walk.
I'm a fortunate young person
Who is old and has no luck
I'm so pleasant and good natured
That I scream like Donald Duck.
The morning is my favorite time
Just when I go to bed.
I toss & turn the whole night through
And sleep like I was dead.
My favorite kind of exercise
Is wiggling my ears.
It makes my hair and toenails strong
And scares away my fears.
I cry when I am happy
And I laugh when I am sad.
I've never been so miserable;
That's why I'm always glad.
Without your love and friendship
My life would be a shame.
I couldn't live without you;
I wish I knew your name.
I guess by now you all can tell
I want to be a poet.
With all this talent that I have
I'm nuts and really show it.
Well, one of the Board "NOVLs" (volunteers who oversee and monitor
what goes on the boards) pointed out that my post was a collection
of "oxymorons" and responded with a collection of her own.
Oxy the Moron or Up the Down Escalator
by NOVL Nymph
A tiny bit passive aggressive, Oxy's a jumbo shrimp
Up early at the crack of noon.
On a working vacation at fast idle, a mandatory option
Works hard at taking it easy.
He's a perfect idiot, a minor disaster, an idiot savant
Brilliantly stupid, and studiously ignorant.
Mildly abrasive, showing just a little freezer burn,
Abrasively smooth, and moronicly articulate.
But hopelessly optimistic without much common sense
Cheerfully depressed, with fearlessly phobic.
Been under friendly fire and too long on dry ice
Dropped badly-aimed smart bombs and loves warm ice cream.
Not good at crisis management with limited immunity
A born follower with outstanding leadership qualities.
He's a fresh-frozen, original copy of a standard deviation
Uses brand-name falsies (won't accept imitations).
Partially completed, always second best, no natural additives
Sometimes alone together, undergoing constant change,
A sure bet and even odds he's half-empty when half-full
He looks half-dead under black light and makes an irate patient
Terribly nice, an organized mess, thinks thoughts in random order
Awful good, but pretty ugly bottoms up or inside out or upside down
It's an open secret that he's an authentic replica of a smart bomb
Drives a Dodge Ram and eats Whopper Juniors in deafening silence
His fuzzy logic finds old news is good news in criminal justice
And friendly arguments in divorce court are merely crisis management
A live recording of a genuine imitation, Oxy's become an amateur expert
Since his singular relationship with a nonstop flight of American culture.
Well, this was a challenge I couldn't resist, so I replied with the following:
OK, Nymphy - you asked for it! ("Oxy" you say?)
Mr PC Chat
Yes, Oxy is a moron, Nymph - a brilliant one at that.
He's bald with lovely locks of gold, and barks just like a cat.
He's the town's most honest liar, with a smile that shows he's sad.
He emulates the golden rule, and can't stop being bad.
He's punctually late for school each day, and works at goofing off.
He's healthy as a Derby champ, but where'd he get that cough?
He's a poet most extraordinaire - and only writes in rhyme -
But writes free verses now and then - and does it all the time.
His wife's a nymphomaniac, who's scared to death of sex.
She's a model of integrity, who's always bouncing checks.
She wears those brand-name falsies - imitations she won't use.
She preaches fire and brimstone, while wearing green-spiked shoes.
Yes, she's a tough, controlling domme - who never gets her way.
But Oxy is the perfect sub, who always has his say.
When they make love, the passion flows like honey in the snow.
He'd like to get her pregnant - but how he doesn't know.
Their sparkling conversation will put you right to sleep.
The depth of their ideas is nearly one inch deep.
They treat their guests like royalty (ignoring every one).
And belching 60 times an hour is their idea of fun.
I owe this post to NOVL Nymph - she taught me all she knows -
and did it in 10 minutes - by counting on her toes.
So now I'm done - I'm finished here - I needn't post again.
Well - maybe just a couple - or 8 or 9 or 10.
By the way...
Lest you get the wrong idea
about my friend's "NOVL" name,
"Nymph" is used in its mythological context,
as in "sprite" or "pixie" or "fairy."